The Amidah is written entirely in the plural—“…our G-d and G-d of our ancestors…,” “Heal us G-d and we will be healed…,” “We gratefully acknowledge…”. The collective emphasis during the quintessential Jewish prayer (and for much of the siddur throughout) is not surprising, because of the collective nature of Jewish peoplehood. This serves to underscore why the holiest parts of the service cannot be recited without a minyan. For the most part, it isn’t me praying—it’s we praying.

That being said, the desire to use prayer to express the yearnings of heart led to the creation of many private mediations that could be used at the end of the Amidah. Originally, space was simply given to each individual to add their personal prayers at the end. As masterful prayers were composed by the rabbis, though, these became increasingly popular, to the point where one of them was included in the printed siddur and is now universally used. The private prayer is “El-kai n’tzor”: “My G-d, keep my tongue from evil, my lips from lies. Help me ignore those who slander me. Let me be humble before all. Open my heart to Your Torah, so that I may pursue Your mitzvot….”

The phrasing of this prayer tells us something really important about spiritual growth from a Jewish perspective. One could easily imagine the prayer being written in reverse order: 1) Open my heart for Torah and mitzvot 2) Teach me equanimity so I can ignore the jerks 3) And help me keep my big mouth shut so I don’t make things worse.

But no. We don’t get enlightenment first, and then act accordingly. It’s the other way around. First, we have to discipline ourselves not to slander and not to lie. Focus inward instead. Second, the more we focus inward, the less we will be distracted by the negativity of others, and the more we will be able to ignore the concerns of our egos. And then, finally, we can focus on what really matters—the path G-d has chosen for us.

This could all be summed up in the classic Buddhist joke (which, I admit, is the only Buddhist joke I know): A guy walks into a burger joint and says to the Buddhist waiter, “Make me one with everything.” The waiter brings him the burger. The guy pays with a $20 bill, and the waiter walks away. The guy says, “Hey, I want some change.” And the Buddhist waiter replies, “Sorry, pal, but change must come from within.”

Indeed, change must come from within. And prayer is the first step.