Thank you to Cantor Rockman for allowing us to post this very important announcement in his regular space. Cantor Rockman will be returning next month with a very heartfelt and poignant article about very meaningful Jewish stuff in April (we’re no fools!)

Thank you,

The Editorial Board of Hakol-Where News isn’t what you think it is.

Purim is Coming! Purim is Coming! Everyone MUST Celebrate Purim.

On Monday March 9th in the evening, we’re starting our festivities at the family friendly time of 6:30 pm. Every single and married individual, especially ungrown-ups, WILL gather in our sanctuary to join in the merriment of this most incredibly fun Jewish holiday. If everyone does not show up, I do not know what will happen, but I suspect that you WILL be sorry!

There will be queens, kings, clowns and super heroes wearing their finest clothing (or costumes). I heard that there will be some imposters at the celebration because they also want to hear the timeless story of Esther, Mordechai, and the rest. It’s a story of love, a story of treachery, a story of survival and the story of a Jews great triumph. The story will be read to all from the ancient text (it’s a big deal, it’s the whole megillah) discovered by famed archeologist (and rabbinical scholar) Rupert VonVolkoff . He and his trusty aid, Jazzy Hoffperson will chant the text in our mother tongue (with a little mustard on the side).

For your entertainment pleasure their will be a detailed look of our Purims past, present and future (oops that’s someone else’s holiday) presented by the brilliant clairvoyant and method actor, Benjamin Ben Benito, from parts unknown. Additionally their will be people who look like children singing holiday songs, the Minstrel Men of the Mikvah playing some loud music and the one and only VonAgstrikel Family Singers, reprising some of their Broadwayish Purim repertoire.

Remember, On March 9th at 6:30pm, you must be at B’nai Tikvah, dressed fancy for fun and fantasy. BUT THE STORY IS TRUE. And refreshments will be served.

Sincerely and I hope you enjoy your holiday!

King Anonymous