Ruth Anne Koenick
RUTH ANNE: So here we are, together again, for Allison and my last YK message and appeal. As we look back on these 3+ years and look forward to the coming years when we go back to sitting in the pews, there is so much that we have learned, about each other, about CBT, and about our membership, most of which we can talk about publically and in front of children.
I recently reread Facebook’s Sheryl Sandberg’s commencement speech at the University of California at Berkeley and while she talked about the pain and recovery of suddenly losing her husband, much of what she talked about was gratitude, gratitude for the kindness of her friends, the love of her family, the laughter of her children and the need to be grateful each day of our life, not just on the good days but on the hard ones as well. Allison and I have experienced a mixture of hard ones and good ones and that is what we want to talk about today within the framework of gratitude.
For some reason, yet again, I was really struggling to write my portion of this speech, and since once my feet heal, I will be back in shoes again, I decided to do some on line shoe shopping rather than write. Since my Lyme related balance issues prevent me from wearing the type of heels I used to wear, heels that are sadly sitting in my closet and the closet in every room in my house, I needed some new shoes. Now, every time I look for anything on the internet, even the definition of gratitude, the sidebars of my computer screen are filled with various shoes I had previously perused…now the fact that I am finally wearing dressy shoes at all, not the shoes I am wearing today, that is gratitude and a few more boxes arriving on my front steps.
When I think about gratitude in a more serious way, I think about Allison. While our friendship has deepened these past four years, it has had some challenges with the inevitable changes at CBT and in our lives. Six weeks after we were installed, I was in a wheel chair and incredibly weak. But Allison stepped right up and took over, always including me, even when there was a meeting at my house and I was too sick to come downstairs, she came early, sat with me in my bedroom and went over everything, always keeping me in the loop. In fact, during those months, I had more CBT people in my bedroom than imaginable; some sleeping over to help take care of me when Paul was away. As I got better and wasn’t holding up my end of the bargain, she gave me a firm kick, and with Allison’s shoes that can be something, but she did it with kindness and with accuracy calling me on my behavior. She even gave me a fabulous birthday present, found by her husband David, a pair of pink Mohamed Sanu football cleats, a former South Brunswick and Rutgers football player. That is what good friends do and I have a deep feeling of gratitude for her now and forever. Hopefully, next year we can go back to our coffee meetings at DD in HP where we talked about life, our children, our families and only a little bit about CBT.
Gratitude is having my village of women stand with me before the open ark during Ne’ilah so I would not be there alone since last year was the first time I would be without at least one of my children. We stood together then and continue as a group during good times, bad times and everything in between. I will never forget shortly after my daughter-in-law had a stroke and I could barely get the words out for a mishebarach, it was my village of women who stood and offered their prayers for her recovery and I know those prayers helped her have a full recovery. And sometimes when I am not near a shul so I can say Kaddish for my father on Purim, one of those women calls me repeatedly until they reach me, while the Cantor says the prayers very slowly, so I can say Kaddish with my CBT family.
Gratitude for me is being able to be gabbai shaynee and spend ½ hour out of my week being close to Torah, feeling the letters and the words as they are read, as they touch my heart. It means helping people who are not comfortable being called up for an aliyah and are not sure where to stand or what to do and holding on to someone when they are shedding tears.
As you know, women in my age group were not allowed to touch a Torah but I do remember my mother telling me about being at Simchas Torah services when someone put the Torah in her arms and she danced with it and with her friends. What joy and gratitude she had to the man who believed she should be allowed to hold a Torah, well over 35 years ago.
Gratitude runs the gamut of family and friends as well as some wonderful experiences. Thanks to a CBT referral system, known as schmoozing on shabbos, I have a good foot surgeon who has told me that if I don’t trip and fall this time, this is my last procedure.
Gratitude is being able to share some really really good scotch with friends I have made at CBT, thank you Danny for your consultation and sharing.,. And starting each Gala with some vodka shots, well you should join us in March.
Looking out from the bima today I see an array of members who step up to chair committees, raise money for the gala, buy scrip, say yes to the dress, no that is another speech, say yes to serving on the Board and on the Executive committee, staff the silent auction each year, volunteer in the office, make birthday phone calls, serve as ushers every Shabbos, and also see past presidents and board members. I see people who have created amazing bar and bat mitzvah service projects, and gratitude is having Cory Sookerman serve as an usher each Shabbat as a continuation of his bar Mitzvah project.
Gratitude is being able to spend more time with my children Josh and Lisa and Molly and Todd. The last time I talked with my father before he passed away was to tell him I was pregnant so when Josh was born, I knew I would name him for my father. He became extraordinarliy close with my mother, she made him his tallit for his bar mitzvah and made the tallit bag out of ties from both grandfathers. And he was at her bedside when she passed away holding on to Molly and to me as I held on to my mother. When he and Lisa moved from California to Miami Beach when he accepted a great job at the Fontainebeau, they searched for a year to find a home that had 4 bedrooms so that Lisa’s parents and Paul and I could visit and stay for weeks on end. I call it Bubbe’s room and I am blessed and filled with gratitude that he supports my closeness with Kenzala and Bryce, my wonderful grandchildren as my mother had with him. And how ironic that Josh and Lisa bought a home across the street from Marc and Judy Roller’s son Brian and that Brian’s youngest Rafi plays all the time with my grandson Bryce. The B’nai Tikvah influence travels.
When Molly and Todd moved to Seattle last year, we joked that we made medical history for the longest umbilical cord in history. My fashionista daughter was going home to Nordstrom Store 1 and while she recently moved on to a different career, we now text pictures of clothing and shoes to get each other’s opinion about a particular item. When she was a little girl and we shopped with my mother, I remember my mother asking me if Molly needed a new fall purse. I responded, Mommy, she is 3 but I could use one. When my mother passed away, Molly would ask for some private time at the cemetery and pull out Nordstrom catalogues to talk with my mother about what she liked. In fact I just got back from Seattle and am planning my trip to Miami Beach in a few weeks. In some ways they all live around the corner.
Paul knew that marrying someone with such a strong connection to Judaism, that he would spend his time celebrating my holidays and raising our children Jewish. He is very quiet about what he volunteers to do at CBT, and he has adjusted his cooking to make fabulous matzo ball soup for Passover and his latkes for Chanukah are something to look forward to eating. I am eternally grateful to CBT for accepting us in such a warm, welcoming way and making Paul feel at home here.
Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in what is wrong with life, of the challenges and difficulties we all face on a daily basis. Things don’t always work out the way we planned and if I have learned anything from the over 4,000 women and children I have worked with who are survivors of sexual and relationship violence, those that pick themselves up, figure out how to get help for how they are feeling and move on to lead lives that are meaningful and generally happy, have also found ways to celebrate with gratitude. Like Sheryl Sandburg, they don’t let the sorrow and pain define who they are and how they live their life.
I have just finished reading several books about the Holocaust, some partially fiction based on real events, some first-hand accounts, and some that just reinforced for me the following story. In November 1972, Paul told my father that he and I wanted to be married. While it wasn’t a surprise, to a man who had barely survived the pogroms, WW I and the revolution to get to this country, it was a difficult bit of information. Before he could give his total blessing he had two things to do. First, talk to his sister who took care of him and his younger brothers and got them to America. But as important, was his call to the Israeli Embassy to ask if the need arose, would I and my children be able to emigrate. The answer, as you must know was yes. His blessing was given.
The books reinforced for me why he made that call and increased, if possible my love, support and gratitude for Israel. CBT has a reputation as the place for programs on Israel and we all need to show our gratitude and support for those programs.
Allison
Nagelberg
ALLISON: B’nai Tikvah, through its Tikvah for Israel initiative, continues to bring the best of the best to educate and inspire our community. We are so proud to have sponsored world-renowned speakers, such as Bassem Eid, a Palestinian who travels the world denouncing the human rights atrocities committed by the leaders of the Palestinian people. I can think of no greater reason for gratitude than the Zionist miracle that is Israel – a country that, despite all odds, shines like a beacon of light and hope in one of the world’s most tumultuous regions.
At the end of May, I was privileged to attend an all-day Summit at the United Nations, together with my daughter, Hayley, to counter BDS, the heinous and misguided effort to Boycott, Divest from, and Sanction Israel. This program at the U.N. called “Building Bridges to Peace”, sponsored by Israeli Ambassador Danny Danon, was long overdue. The sound of 1500 people singing Hatikvah resonated throughout the Great Hall of the United Nations – the United Nations! Not exactly the most hospitable body when it comes to Israel! This is something I will not forget, and for which I am incredibly grateful.
A few years ago, I started keeping a daily gratitude journal. It has become part of the rhythm of each night to give some thought to what took place that day. Sometimes I’m grateful for a full night’s sleep – a very rare occurrence! – or getting into New York City without traffic. Other times, I am thankful to have confided in a wonderful friend, who listens without judging, or for having adult children who are happy to spend time with their loving but sometimes intrusive parents. Gratitude is chanting Haftorah and it is walking behind the Torah on Shabbat and holidays, wishing a good Shabbos or good Yontif to so many members of our CBT family.
I am beyond grateful for my smart, generous and devoted parents. My mom and dad, incredibly young in their 80s, ensure that we have three generations together at AIPAC Policy Conference in Washington DC. They set the bar sky-high for giving our time, money and resources. There has never been a minute when then didn’t prioritize their children and grandchildren, and they happily babysit their granddog AND their great-granddog! Beyond this, they are wonderful friends with my in-laws; now, if that is not something to be grateful for, I don’t know what is! And I am always thankful for my husband, David – my sweetheart since we were in USY during high school – who is the antidote to my Type A personality, and who, as a “First Dude”, proves that behind this strong woman is a very kind, patient and understanding man. At the end of each week, I email my journal updates to my three children, so that they have another window into my life, and so that I can share with them the importance of perspective, and the centrality of gratitude.
Over the last few years, my oldest son, Cory, graduated from college and started his career. As part of his work in real estate, he has hired and supervised many young people. A few months ago, he shared with David and me that one of his hires was a seventeen-year old boy who did not have a father but who had, himself, become a father. Cory, at the age of 24, mentioned that he might take this boy “under his wing”. We had to laugh a bit: “What WING? You’re barely out of diapers yourself!” Kidding aside, how wonderful is it that ALL of our kids have learned at B’nai Tikvah, through others who give so much of themselves, that we must be grateful for all that we have, and that paying it forward is what we do.
Among the many things at B’nai Tikvah that I am grateful for, in addition to our outstanding clergy, are their amazing families. This year, our whole congregation came together to celebrate the B’nai Mitzvah of Yosef, Eitan and Bashe, and Rafi’s Bar Mitzvah is around the corner. We all cherished the power of CBT community during these beautiful simchas. If you have never been to Sundaes on Saturday at the Rockmans’ house, you MUST make this part of your week. No matter how many people show up, Stacey makes sure that there is abundant ice cream and treats for all – heaven forbid someone should go home hungry! Beyond the delicious food, the warmth and friendship and love of Judaism that permeates their home envelop all who enter. This is truly a blessing for our entire community. And this summer, when our Rebbitzin, Ruth Ann, tragically lost her brother, she donated extra money from the shiva preparations to create a congregational Shiva Fund – a source of money for mourners who may need assistance in facilitating shiva meals for their own loved ones. Out of the deepest sorrow came the most meaningful dedication for the benefit of all of B’nai Tikvah.
My middle son, Jesse, graduated from college recently and is now studying at the Pardes Institute of Jewish Studies in Jerusalem, before matriculating at the Rabbinical School at the Jewish Theological Seminary. This is the same august rabbinical seminary where our beloved Rabbi Wolkoff studied just a feeewww years ago. A Rabbi in the family! I have no doubt that Rabbi Wolkoff and Cantor Rockman are among Jesse’s mentors who inspired this decision! Sometimes, when we are lucky enough to have Jesse home for Shabbat services, he takes his usual seat in one of the front rows, and he feels as comfortable and familiar as if he hadn’t been away for months. In fact, when I’ve watched 22-year old Jesse happily chatting with 9-year old Dahlia, I’ve noted that it looks like they picked up exactly where they left off the last time. We have a most remarkable extended family here at B’nai Tikvah, for which I am forever grateful.
There is no doubt that “my” Ruth Anne – Ruth Anne Koenick – is at the top of my gratitude list. You’ve heard the stories of our pre-dawn text messages, our penchant for shoe shopping, and our shared birthday – December 8! You’ve watched us show up to meetings together, and finish each other’s sentences and emails, and kibbitz a little too much on the bima. In fact, for the last few years, you have received our joint Rosh Hashanah card, where the return address listed both of us at my East Brunswick address. After this year, I suppose that Ruth Anne will have to “move out” of my house! But she will never “move out” of my heart, and I cannot overstate my gratitude for having a friend as true and steadfast as Ruth Anne.
This summer, as in summers past, we can all take pride in the spectacular turnout of our Kadimaniks, USYers and young adults for their outstanding participation at Encampment. B’nai Tikvah boasted some 35 attendees, including the Rockman and Wolkoff kids and Rabbi and Ruth Ann, as well. My boys were among the staff, and they gave me a birds’ eye view into the way that our CBT children are standouts, taking care of each other, rooting for each other, and setting an example for other synagogues to emulate. We should all give ourselves, our Kadima and USY leaders, our educational staff and clergy a huge pat on the back for fostering menschlichkite in these exceptional children.
Hayley is now a college sophomore. As many of you know, she is one of those Millennials who wants to save the world or, at a minimum, create peace in the Middle East. Her passion for working with kids, especially those with disabilities, took her to Kenya this summer, where she taught in two schools in one of the world’s biggest slums called Kibera. Whatever we thought we knew about poverty simply pales in comparison to this. They are literally dirt poor; but so happy and friendly and eager to learn! She sent us a video of her grade school kids dancing…and those Kenyan kids can dance! She said: “They taught me some of their moves and I taught them some of mine״. We reminded her that, of course, that she has NO moves! Still, there is nothing so humbling as watching these kids, who have so little, approach life with such zest and such grace.
In Kenya, Hayley was invited to the homes of some of her students. I use the word “home” loosely. In Kibera, a house is about 8 feet x 8 feet, made of metal, with one bed for everyone in the family, a table, a hot pot, and a few suitcases that hold all of the family’s clothing. Babies often wear the same diaper for days on end. And yet, the residents of Kibera, just like our ancestors in the shtetls of Eastern Europe and the tenements of the Lower East Side, share whatever they have with others, and they take immense pride in doing so. Talk about a lesson in gratitude.
And this brings me to that part of this speech where we ask YOU to share, to the best of your ability, so that this synagogue, which has given so much to all of us, thrives for generations to come.
Over the last three years, we have reduced B’nai Tikvah dues and then kept them flat, while achieving a balanced budget every year. This is a feat almost unheard of in the Jewish world! We looked at every line item and cut where we could without impacting services, and most importantly, we have more than doubled our fundraising during this period. With dues making up barely half of our $1.2 million budget, we rely heavily on the generosity of our congregants, as well as others who support our fundraising events, to make up much of the balance.
When you came in today, you were given a card, which should show the amount that you were able to donate last year. We hope that when you take out that card, you will commit to giving at least as much as you did last year and, if possible, turn down an extra flap or two on the card. It is simply amazing how all of the additional donations add up to thousands of dollars – money that is truly needed to pay our mortgage, turn on the lights, and engage caring, talented staff who bring all of their passion and energy to B’nai TIkvah.
This is – HOPEFULLY – the last time that Ruth Anne and I will make this Yom Kippur request. We know that there are many other demands on each of you, and resources may be limited. Still, we ask you to be as generous as you can, not only for the good of the congregation, but so that Ruth Anne and I can step down next year with a job well done!
We wish for all of you a year filled with health and happiness, family and friendship…a sweet and successful Shana Tovah, and that you again be inscribed in the Book of Life.